.fernandez quotes - part dos.

Naz, Nick, Leann and I are hilarious. We're like our own comedy show. Check it.

::.on Carmen...
Leann: She makes a good sandwich, huh? It's amazing how you can use the same ingredients but one sandwich won't taste as good as any other.
Me: It's all about placement... and she makes the thickest part the middle... and the pickle... God, it's delicious. And that's why we took her as our wife.

::.on Garbage (the band)...
Me: There's a whole bunch of bar bands in Vancouver that are looking for singers who like Garbage.
Naz: Well just because you still have posters in your studio of Garbage doesn't mean, you don't need to deflect what you like onto me.
Me: I don't have a "studio" first of all, so there's the first thing you got wrong.
Naz: Well your CD collection is still in 1996 so...
Me: Nothing wrong with the mid '90s.
Naz: I'm just saying...
Me: At least you can hear what they're saying.
Naz: Okay, Grandpa.

::.on vaginas...
Leann: What does it say about society that men are so comfortable drawing their own genitalia all over everything? Women do not feel comfortable to do that, I would never... Who has an Artline? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna christen these walls with a VAGINA.
Me: Yeah, pussy!
Leann: Pussy powahh!

::.on being in Dirtnote...
Nick: We love something together, and we made it together and we appreciate that and we'll always have that bond...
Me: It was a mistake, I should've worn a condom.

::.on being gay...
Leann: It's because you're gay. You can't tell the difference between left and right because you're gay. You're confused. It's very confusing for you.
Me: I was too busy thinking about being gay than learning my lefts and rights. I'm so distracted by being gay all the time that it's hard for me.

::.on Tyra Banks and ANTM...
Naz: So you do not watch America's Next Top Model?
Me: Yes I do watch it and Tyra Banks said the most amazing thing that became, like, my mantra, and Melanie had a t-shirt made for me.
Naz: What did she say?
Me: Well, Tyra was like, "Your pictures do not look good. Like, it looks awful, I mean, you're cringing in them," and the girl was like, "I got food poisoning the night before and I was up just getting sick all night and I was in so much pain and I got to the shoot and I was dehydrated and tired and I went to the hospital right afterwards," and Tyra was like--It was like a close up on her face all the sudden and she was all like, "You know, I had"--I can't remember what it was, some sort of disorder, some sort of thing--"and I was in incredible pain and I was cramping and blah blah blah blah blah"--you know, she's doing this whole thing and listing all the characteristics, all the symptoms of her disease, and she goes, "But you just model through it." And I was like, "Oh my god, that's fucking genius. You just model through it!"

::.at ICOM; playing a gig...
ME: Oh my god, and at work it was so crazy and I was just like--Oh my god, oh my god, and them--have you heard them? They're so good, they're like my favorite band, I saw them on MTV, I love them. Do you want more drinks? Why are all these people singing around us? It's so annoying, I can't hear anything you're saying.

::.about Anna...
Me: So, the first session, Leann called the therapist a motherfucker. And the second session, I was like on Oprah and I cried and I was all, 'You hurt me with your words!' and Leann called me a motherfucker. And the third session we just, like, totally ganged up on Anna (that's our therapist's name) and then we had a list, like, we started the session with all the words we weren't allowed to use. I mean, obviously number one being 'motherfucker'..."

::.On Hot-Dog breath...
Me: The idea of my mom discovering my sexuality along with me is almost worse than Leann's hot-dog breath. Almost.

::.On virginity...
Nick: The girl sitting in front of me in class last year turned around and she said, 'Oh my god! I totally lost my virginity to my boyfriend during the holidays to this song!' and I was like, "We have to do that already?!"

::.When being high...
Me: I'm pretty sure Leann wrote that song about me. Dressing bad's like loving you. Leann dresses pretty bad but it's because she loves me. Even though I hate her. She tries so much to win my love... hey Leann?

::.On STDs...
Leann: I'd say it's more about not how many people you've slept with but do you have an STD.

::.On relating to our music...
Nick: We take it so seriously when people don't like us or when they say they can't relate to us. I'm like, "How can you not relate to us? We're like hearts on a sleeve. How can you not relate to the human condition, you fucking asshole?"

::.On jealousy...
Me: I wrote about being really jealous, I'm talking intense jealousy, jealousy that I had never felt before. The thing that I loved about the chorus in that song is that 'I can't even work' it's like I'm exasperated with myself. I was like disabled by it. I was jealous of what I didn't have, what I used to have, what I wanted to have, and at that particular time I was sort of half-dating someone who was in a relationship, so it was an affair. It was a weird triangle of people and then my ex-girlfriend started dating this guy and then I felt worse, and then he felt jealous, and it was just like 'fuck!' and I was just consumed.

::.On masturbation...
Leann: "Do you think the guy on the LRT that is touching himself feels like he's spreading love? I will tell you right now there is a law against that."

::.On my mom...
Me: My mom says I suck as a bed partner. I suck in bed...but thats okay, I have other things going for me.

::.After playing at Rachael's birthday...
Me: Anyway, I diagnosed myself..I have a virus and so..uh..I won't be having sex with anyone after the show... hmm..I'm just kidding, it's not..it's not passed like that.

::.On dry humping...
Nick: Don't dry hump, that's embrassing, and don't ever use the word dry hump again.

::.On dating...
Unlucky Girl: I just wanna see more of you!
Nick: Beatrix? (I SWEAR THAT'S HER NAME)
Unlucky Girl: Yes?
Nick: 6 Letters. Google.

::.On being annoying...
Nisa: Most annoying trait Nick has?
Me: There’s this thing that he does with his, his little labret piercing that makes me wanna rip it right out of his face.
Nisa: Where is that on the body?
Me: Labret, there.
Nick: It's in my labret.
Nisa: Oh, Okay. I thought it was possibly a...
Me: *laughs* No, that would be labia. *laughs*

::.On Corbin...
Nick: These are actual fish, that swim in the water that Steph bought for a very low price...
Me: Oh, so because they're not expensive, their life is worth nothing? These were cheap fish, people, don't get upset. Don't get attached to Corbin, okay? He's just a cheap fish. He was one of those blue ones. He was cute and he meant a lot to me.

::.On breaking up...
Nick: So that's a favorite of mine, I really like that song and it makes me sad when I play it, but I think it's a good song. I don't know why it makes me sad, there's just something about the song. I was really happy and was in a good relationship and feeling really strong and stable when I wrote this record, but I was sort of filtering old feelings and old stuff from past relationships. And then I spent a lot of times sort of like being a spectator to Steph's break up, and Leann had just gotten into a new relationship, and just sort of felt like, you don't even know what you have and then it's gone. At the time, I was sorta feeling like, umm - I know I've been dumped before and then every relationship you see around you, you just want to be angry at them because you're like, "Respect each other, love each other, don't lose it, it's so great what you have!" So that song was like my reminder that you have to be good to one another.

::.On being original...
Me: When I wrote this song I felt pretty unoriginal because everybody writes love songs and everybody feels like their love's the most important, and when their love ends and they get their heart broken, that nobody understands, and that's ridiculous... but so am I.

::.On the song differences...
Me: When Nick's singing about laying in bed with a pile of books between him and his boyfriend, that hurts. Whereas I'm like, "Screw you." I've got all the teenagers in the audience, with songs like "Wimbledon." But "Floor Plan" comes on, and I'm singing about wanting Nick's partner's lungs to stop working without him, and that's where the depth in our music is really at. I think that balance in our songwriting is what distinguishes us.

::.On unicorns...
Me: And we're going to make billions of dollars, and we're going to buy an island, one of the ones that have unicorns on them. We talk about unicorns a lot because I found out while we were recording the record that I did not understand that unicorns never existed, I just thought they were extinct. And then everybody laughs because everyone's first thought when they think of a unicorn is the idea that it's a mythical creature but I didn't ever think that way. I was just like, it's a white horse with a horn...

::.On toilets...
Nick: She might be on the toilet. Bang on the door and tell her to stop doing a shit, pull her pants and and get down here.

::.On being nude...
Nick: Clothes make me miserable. I like to spend most of my time in the nude and this whole 'recording a record' with people around and things...it's really fucking that up.

::.On dying people...
Me: CNN reports that 8 million people will die of E. Coli, eboli and...Tornadoes.

::.On being a tease...
Nick: You can ask any girlfriend. I'm a tease.

::.On being a slut...
Me: I'm not a slut, I'm just, you know, emotionally slutty.

::.From Nick to me...
Nick: I have standards, you're a slut.

::.On being alike...
Nick: We’re so polar from one another, I think sometimes that does make us very similar. I think we’re both very sensitive and both very introverted and shy, but we make up for it by being very extroverted when we get uncomfortable, which is pretty much all the time.

::.On learning to lie...
Me: My dad used to open up photo albums and stuff and you'd have to tell a story about the picture but you couldn't tell the truth so you had to make up a story about whatever you were looking at. He really taught us how to lie.

::.On playing in Dirtnote with Nick...
Me: There is a certain amount of stress that you wouldn't have if you didn't have a family member in a band, but at the same time, there's a certain amount of security in knowing that we can ignore each other or we can be annoyed at each other, but it doesn't mean that we're going to quit. I know I can show up at the club and he's not going to be AWOL.

::.On tattoos...
Nick: I wanna get a big black X tattooed on my arm but I just feel like it would really be sad to get it removed if I decided to not be straight edge anymore. I might seem like a bit of a hypocrite.
Me: You could have just been a big fan of X. *pause*
Nick: I hate it when jokes fall flat, don't you?

::.On religion...
Me: I'm not a religious person, but I feel fascinated by religion. I mean, something that has overwhelmed so many people and created so much hate and love at the same time...
Nick: So has marijuana.

::.On family...
Nick: Every time I hear it, I want to punch her in the face because I'm so excited for her.
Me: Oh, that's how we do it in our family.

::.On Cadbury...
Nick: You basically have an out of control dog.
Me: I do, and its name is Nickolai.

::.On out absolute 0% knowledge of hip-hop...
Me: Show him you're a baller!
Nick: Show him you're what?
Me: Show him that you're a baller!
Nick: What the fuck is a baller?
Me: It's like hip hop, like Nelly. It's MTV, we have to speak their language...

::.On barking...
Nick: Stephanie, shut the fuck up, why do you need to do that?
Me: Because you always start with, "but i thought..."
Nick: Save your barking for the ocean.
Me: What the fuck does that mean?!
Nick: It means you're one of those things... that bark at the ocean.

::.On musicals...
Nick: The only time I've ever seen a musical was actually when I was in standard 5.
Me: That was standard 3.
Nick: No, no. That was standard 5.
Me: Are you talking about Joseph and the?
Nick: I don't know.
Me: (Talking to Natalia in the audience) Talia? When did we go to see the amazing technicolor jacket guy?
Nick: It was standard 5.
Me: What was it, Talia?
Natalia: Five.
Nick: Standard 5, thank you.
Me: Just so you know, it wasn't standard 5.
Nick: It was standard 5.
Me: It wasn't, cause I still wasn't wearing the hat.
Nick: It was standard 5, Steph was in standard 4, she was younger. We didn't call her dumb, it was more like she was slow. She was special. Steph really focused on things in High School-
Me: I'll bet you both 250 dollars each.
Nick: I'll bet you a fucking million dollars.
Me: A million dollars? I don't think you have a million dollars, but I think you have 250 that has my fucking name written all over it.

::.On bees...
Nick: I was really not a big fan of anything with wings, but I'm sure that this is just because I'm afraid of them getting in my hair, or on me, or up my nose, or something like that. But one time there was a bee in my house and so I was sitting in my living room slash bedroom and this bee flew in the window and I panicked. I was all like, "Ahh!" and went running into the bathroom and then closed the door. I was all like, 'Ahhh', and then I was like 'Well fuck, I'm in the bathroom, what am I going to do in here?' So I just was like, 'I have to go out and get the bee.' So I opened the door and I peeked out. And I could hear the bee, it was fucking big, it was probably the size of my fist. It was like "brrrr", and was just like bumping into shit and I was like it's come into my house to die. It was like big, and full and slow, and it was going to die. So I closed the door, and I was all like 'Fuck, what am I going to do?' And the bathroom was–like there was four stairs up into the bathroom and then there was a bench, it was a rad bathroom–and so I basically came up with this plan because I was so afraid of the bee I was like it's gonna have to fly out the window so I basically opened up the door, ran and threw open another window, and then ran back into the bathroom. And I waited like three minutes, and then I opened the door and it was still out there and so I ran out and grabbed my guitar. And I wrote a song and waited for the bee to die. I know this sounds totally insane, but it was a really big bee. And I don't know if I'm allergic. I didn't want to die alone in my weird creepy house; and I'd just been dumped and I was like, 'I don't wanna die.' I don't wanna get a bee sting and everybody go, 'yeah, he died of a broken heart.' but really it was a bee sting.


Sarcasm runs in the Fernandez family.