I like you a lot.

But I hate that I like you, and you like me too… but I haven’t told you, and all I do is drop hints. I feel like I have to be perfect, and not fuck up. Because I’m scared that you’ll dislike me, and I don’t want to lose you.

I'm sorry for fucking up. I'm an eighteen-year-old girl. I talk shit all the time. I'm not perfect; I'm far from perfect.

But I could be perfect for you. I'll try. I promise.

I feel like doing this.

On this day you write a letter to:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Will post both on tumblr and here, okay? :)

Yet another meaningful conversation post.

Naz: Okay, today, we've got to watch "Pourquoi Pas Moi" because, being Malaysian, and not understanding French, you haven't seen it.
Me: But I don't understand French. If I did, I'd be all Amelie-stalking right now.
Naz: I'll translate; it's just a really good movie, and I've seen it, like, seven times.
Me: Wow. You must really like it.
Naz: Shut up.
About forty-five minutes into the movie...
Me: Hey, Naz? What's she saying? And I don't even know their names yet.
Naz: Okay, so that one's yelling, "Nothing happened!", so the other one said that if she hadn't come along, the first one would be in bed with the tattoo girl, and that the first one saw the tattoo girl's tattoo, and she's wondering why she's even here.
Me: Yeah, I got that bit. About the tattoo, I mean. Wait. Why get upset about the tattoo? Geez.
Naz: Anyway, Steph, the first one just went, "Because you love me!", you follow? The second one went, "What?" and the first one said, "And I love you." in reply. Smooth.
Me: Awh, they always have those moments in the movies, where they stare breathlessly, quietly at each other, and the music swells...
Naz: And you have an almost-eighteen-year-old talking over the significant moments. Right, now the second one says, "You're a real bitch. I love you, and there you are, swapping spit with some dog."
Me: Fuck it, I'm turning in my pens. You should be the writer, not me.
Naz: Jesus, the first one is so smooth. She just went, "She's not a dog, I was not swapping spit... And you're beautiful when you're angry." Isn't that adorable?
Me: Yes, yes, adorable. What's the second one crying about?
Naz: She says, "Honestly?" and the first one says, "Yes. Hysterical jealousy suits you."
Me: Christ, Johnson, you're so cute. Marry me?
Naz: Sure.

guess who's over at la casa de fernandez.

Sven: Hey, you know the TV show where they teach women to love their bodies?
Me: I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, “STOP BEING FAT” and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they’ll thank me.
*
My mom: So, Sven, where are you from?
Sven: My parents are Russian, but we lived in Philadelphia for fifteen years.
Me: Killadelphia.
Naz: Hey, you know what's the capital of Killadelphia? Shitsburgh.
*
Nick: This gathering is gayer than Elton John fisting Lance Bass while YMCA plays.
*
Nick: Bikini waxes hurt a lot, or so I've heard.
Naz: I have a VAG OF STEEL!
*
Me: I hate alarm clocks. I can't ever get up.
Sven: Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, ‘YAY, SEX!’ and then, ‘YAY, COFFEE!’. I love mornings!
*
Nick: Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I’d just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!
*
Sven: *checks his iTouch*
Nick: You and your robotic boyfriend... I'm so glad that doesn't have a penis.
Sven: Maybe there's an app for that.

Giggles from this afternoon.

Sven: Hey, do you think the neighbors heard us last night?
Nick: We were pretty loud, huh?
Sven: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Nick: Fuck the neighbors. If I have to listen to them play Lady Antebellum, they can listen to me getting nailed.

*

Steph: I'll never know what it's like to be a man. And I don't want to.

Sven: No problem. Next time you have sex, just spray whoever you're doing in the face with one of those spray bottle thingies.

*

Steph: Geez, sorry I'm such a jackass.

Naz: Oh, babes, you're an asshole sometimes, but never a fucktard.

*

Sven: I like McDonald's nuggets in Russia better.

Me: They have McD's in Russia? And why not?

Sven: Because ours are made of chicken, and yours are made of... I don't know. Illegal immigrants. Or something.

*

Naz: You know, Sven and Nick, y'all always say how much you like fat chicks. It's probably because you don't have to fuck 'em.

*

Me: So then, I forgot if it was nPr or nCr.

Nick: NEVER FORGET OR THE TERRORISTS WIN!

*

Nick: I love him. *points to sexy black male model*

Sven: He looks like he talks too much.

*

Naz: You should just sneak up on her and jump her. Remember, it's not rape if you yell, "SURPRISE!"

*

Nick: Steph, I don't know how people read your handwriting.

Naz: They probably don't; they just think some Arab was really angry.

*
Sven: All lions are males
Steph: Where do baby lions come from then?
Sven: Then what are tigers?
Steph: Stripey
Sven: No, there's no such thing as a female lion. Thats why they call them the King of the jungle. Not the Queen of the jungle.

*

Steph: I want a tattoo.

Naz: I don’t like coloured tattoos. If you want a coloured tattoo, just get it done in black outlines and then you can colour it in with markers every day. That way you don’t have to worry about it fading.

*

Sven: I miss Michael Jackson.

Steph: Let me tell you my Michael Jackson story! This one time, I listened to a Michael Jackson album but I don’t remember which one now he is dead I am sad. The End!

*

Naz: Dolly Parton sure loved getting her tits out. Can't say I blame her.
Steph: Remember, it was the 80's. She was probably high the whole time.
Naz: I don't need to be high to get my tits out. I'm just high on the fact I have such awesome tits!

*

Naz: Look, a rainbow! That means people are having gay sex. Hope it’s two hot chicks.

*

Naz: *eats nuggets*

Me: I love watching you eat. You’re so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego.

Five-picture post and update.

I went to sleep last night, at about 4:00 in the morning, because of these:

Lisbeth Salander is my fictional girlfriend.

And, well, Sexbox (my iPod), is... Sexbox, I guess?

Embarrassing confession: I was listening to Show Me Love by Robyn.

*blushes*

*

And then, at about 6:00 am, my dad decides it's funny to come into my room and take pictures of me when I'm sleeping, to try and wake me up for church.

(Epic fail, by the way, the second coming couldn't wake me.)

That is, till I woke up and whined so much that my mom came in and chased him away.

Ladies and gentlemen, my parents.

But he did manage to get this shot, though.

Look at how long and thick my eyelashes are here!!! :D

*

When I finally woke up, I realized I have exams tomorrow.

So I decided to do something that would calm me down.

What calms me down?

BRANDI CARLILE, OF COURSE!

I listened to her "Give Up the Ghost" album on repeat.

And that's my tired face.

Now, I kind of have "Oh Dear" stuck in my head.

It's this amazing song that she does almost all in falsetto.

Aaaaah, Brandi. :)

*dirty thoughts*

*

Then I decided that I kind of love Sexbox, so I took a picture of my legs with her.

For some reason, I keep thinking Sexbox is a girl.

Probably cause of the Marina and the Diamond lyrics;

"Look like a girl but I think like a guy."

I don't even know if that makes sense, so jyeah.

Sexbox's earphone wires didn't go the way I wanted them to, so I just left it.
I guess that's my influence.
In response, I became like my mother, and left that alone, and just took the picture.
(Apparently, taking baby pictures of me about seventeen years ago was hell on earth for her.)

*

Later, about dinnertime, we went for dinner at the Palace of the Golden Horses, because Aunty Mary and Aunty Beth were here, with Felicia.

Dont't.

Provoke.

The.

Fucking.

Unicorn.

(As you can see, I got my eye poked out).

.snippets from ani difranco's "shy"

the heat is so great,
it plays tricks with the eye,
it turns the road to water,
and then from water to sky.

*

i've got a dream of your face,

that scares me awake,

i put too much on my table,

and now i got too much a stake.

*

and i might let you off easy,

yeah i might lead you on,

i might wait for you to look for me,

and then i might be gone,

where i come from and where i'm going,

and i'm lost in between,

i might go up to that phone booth,

and leave a veiled invitation on you machine.

*

and you'll stop me, won't you,

if you've heard this one before,

the one where i surprise you,

by showing up at your front door,

saying 'let's not ask what's next,

or how, or why'

i am leaving in the morning,

so let's not be shy

*

and i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin,

well, the sheets are twisted and tangled,

and the heat is so great,

and i swear i can feel the mattress,

sinking underneath your weight,

oh sleep is like a fever,

and I'm glad when it ends,

and the road flows like a river,

and pulls me around every bend

*

and there's a crack in the concrete floor,

and it starts at the sink,

there's a bathroom in a gas station,

and i've locked myself in it to think.

I love it when you smell nice.

Your scent arouses me along with the way you walk, talk, the way you dress, the way you speak, and the way you look at me. Your lips are entrancing, I wish to touch them with softness, gentleness, and along with that embrace you whole with sensuality. I wish to be closer to you. I have the urge, all the time to touch your hand, to hold your arm, to wrap myself around you and smell your neck and kiss your jawline. In the mist of it all, I get nervous and hesitate to make the first move.