.ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Naz is stupid. I'm NEVER gonna be a rapper, even if I'm writing rhymes and I'd really, really like to go out on a romantic dinner date with Sarah Shahi and JenRO. But whatever. On with Naz's stupid questions and my answers.

NAZ: What inspired you to start rapping/rhyming? Was there a particular influence like a friend or family member?

ME: Uh... Yeah, I guess. Vanessa listens to hip-hop a lot and when she stayed with us, she used to listen to Tupac, so naturally, I did, too. Keep Ya Head up is still my favourite. And I do listen to music. I never wanted to be a rapper, actually. I'm just messing around. Don't expect an album to drop any time soon.

NAZ: Who are your role models?

ME: Ooh, I LOVE these questions! I like Mz Fontaine. And JenRO's awesome, too. Miss Money. God_Des and SHE. That's just in hip-hop, though. They've made a huge impact on the HomoHop scene and I respect that.

NAZ: What would you consider your career highlight so far?

ME: Um, what career?

NAZ: Who do you want to work with in the future?

ME: Um, Sarah Shahi and JenRO. Man, they're fine, too! And maybe go out on a romantic dinner date with Sarah and Jen, but not together...

NAZ: Tell me a bit about your experience being both a woman and a lesbian in the hip hop scene. And does being Indian make your art harder or easier?

ME: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Get this straight, bitch, I am not a leabian. I'm not into labels. And since nobody's listening to my rhymes except my the people around me who have to listen when I get the urge to do so, the most crticism I've had is funny looks from the old Chinese aunties.

NAZ: What are your opportunities in Kuala Lumpur? Will you have to move to another area and where would that be?

ME: I love KL, I've grown up here and I know it like the back of my hands, but I don't think it's gonna be easy for me to get many opportunities here, so I'm out ASAP.

NAZ: What are your immediate future plans after your album is released, any big collaborations or appearances you'd like to share?

ME: There will be no album. At least not now and if there is, it won't be a hip-hop album. I'd like to release one with my band, Queercore, with your girlfriend and Nick, and it'll probably be a queercore album.

NAZ: What do you do when you aren’t out on gigs?

ME: Hang out with you, loser. I like PlayStation games. And watching the Ellen Show. I eat, shit and sleep. I'm just another bored feminist teenager.

Damn funny, don't you think? And for those of you who don't know who the hell JenRO is, she's a superfine Latina rapper. Jennifer Robles. So sue me, I have a thing for Latinas.

Sarah Shahi...

<3

.stolen.

The music video to one of my fave songs. Helen, I said I'd post this.

.TheAdventuresofStephanie&Helen:pt2.

Okay. I only have one thing to say. Viva Kenny Rogers chicken! Oh, oh, and the font is red. Like Carin's face/Sulekha's nail polish.

The waiter swaggered over to the table, totally giving Stephanie the eye, and set the two plates of steaming, sauce-covered chicken down in front of Stephanie and Sulekha respectively.
Sulekha eyed his butt appreciatively as he walked away from their table. “Not bad,” she murmured. “Not bad at all. Steph?”
Steph lifted her head, her mouth full of vanilla muffin. “Whhapffh?”
Helen rolled her eyes. “Never mind. Just…cut the chicken.”
Steph stared dismally down at the plate in front of her. Sulekha had already started on hers, sawing it in half with the perseverance of Einstein. Carin was looking doubtfully at the half of Sulu’s massacred chicken that was soon to be hers and swallowing nervously. Helen was watching Stephanie with a hawk’s eye that reminded Steph eerily of her mother.
Steph prepared herself for a full-blown pout. Why did she always have to cut? Because I said so. She could almost hear Helen’s crisp voice in her head. But Stephanie knew the real reason.
Because she was the only one of them who was any good with a knife.
Steph rolled the wooden-handled steak knife in her hand, gazing at it dreamily. Gripping the handle in her left hand, she lovingly stroked the blade with her index finger, in a reverie despite Carin’s grunts as she and Sulekha shrieked their way through carving the chicken.
Helen, growing slightly - okay, VERY - impatient, tore her attention away from Sulekha’s and Carin’s Amazon Massacre in time to catch the almost loving glint in Steph’s eyes as she caressed the gleaming blade of the steak knife.
“Steph! If you don’t mind, I’d rather we have this chicken before it oxidizes!”
Stephanie came to attention with a swiftness born of years of practice. “Uh, right. The chicken. Yeah, I was, uh, just doing that.” Helen ‘hhhmmmnnd’ loudly but said nothing more, to Stephanie’s relief.
Fifteen minutes later, replete with food, drink, and laughter, the girls leaned back in the plush red seats, giggling. Stephanie was hyper, not an uncommon occurrence; Sulekha was completely at ease with the other two girls by now; Helen was relaxed, a TRULY uncommon occurrence, and Carin was…
… MURDEROUS.
“God, you guys should come sleepover or something sometime,” Helen gasped, raising her arm high above her head and letting it fall on the table with a bang that made Carin jump, a motion usually made by those who are extremely drunk.
This gesture wasn’t missed by Steph, who wondered if perhaps someone had spiked Helen’s orange juice.
“So. The bill?” Steph started to say, surprised to find herself giggling too. This was wrong. Steph didn’t giggle. She guffawed, and chuckled, and chortled, and grinned and snickered. But she didn’t giggle.
For heavens sake, giggling was for…
…well, you know…
… GIRLS.
Stephanie looked the three, giggling, girly baboons she called her best friends. Carin was actually wearing pink.
PINK.
Ah, screw it. Steph giggled just as hard as the rest of them.
“Waiter,” she choked out, flagging him down as he passed. Her hand brushed his and Sulekha promptly went down with another fit of giggles. The waiter looked down his nose at Steph - in a way that reminded both Helen and Carin of an old, much-hated schoolteacher of theirs - apparently having lost any and all interest in her once he saw her cackling like a hyena.
“Bill,” Steph managed. Then, “Thank you,” showing that all her mother’s best efforts to teach her some manners hadn’t been a TOTAL waste of time.
“I don’t feel like paying the bill,” Sulekha said unexpectedly.
“Lets not, Helen chimed in drunkenly.
“Tell you what,” Steph said. “Helen, you grab your throat, fake an allergic attack, go into anaphylactic shock, and fall on the floor like you’re dead. We’ll scream and carry you out - and we won’t have to pay the bill.”
All four girls giggled harder. Helen’s numerous allergies were a source of great amusement to all of them, seeing as an allergic attack would result in her airways closing and her choking to death. Stephanie had more than once considered slipping her a peanut just to see what happened, but had been stopped at the idea of a cold jail cell and a death sentence for murder in the first degree.
“No,” Carin gasped, “We don’t have to do that! We’ll just tell them we have eczema and don’t remember eating here.”
Helen fell suspiciously silent suddenly, the well-oiled cogs in her head suddenly starting to spin again. Eczema? She decided not to say anything, considering Carin’s feelings, which were considerably easier to hurt than the others’.“Uh, Carin,” Steph interjected, breaking the silence. “I think you mean Alzheimers.”
Taking a moment as if to process this new possibility, Sulekha and Helen burst into hysterical laughter as one, as if on cue. Helen cogs ceased their spinning and Carin blushed a red to rival Sulekha’s nail polish.
A feat a lot easier said than done, seeing as Sulekha was wearing L’Oreal Paris in Lady Luck Red.

.TheAdventuresofStephanie&Helen:pt1.

Okay, so Helen wrote this. For the record, I did NOT use anyone's nail-polish for anything. And if I spilt anything on my mom's new plush rug, she wouldn't hesitate to kill me. And the font is purple. Like Helen's face.

Helen shivered and pulled her coat more tightly against her body. The biting wind still managed to slip icy fingers beneath the perfectly good, long coat that she was wearing, making her frown and wonder whether or not it had been a good buy in the first place. Her fingers were stiff around the once-hot, now cold Starbucks coffee cup she held in her right hand, careful not to spill. Thoughts of hot chocolate and a good romance novel flashed across her mind involuntarily. She mumbled something under her breath about killing Stephanie, her flatmate, for suggesting that she get them both a hot coffee. (Decaf, less sugar, more cream.) She stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk, causing her to mutter a colorful curse that made an old lady gasp.
Helen responded with a sheepish smile and kept up her hurried pace, anxious to get home to throttle Stephanie, too preoccupied to worry about the opinions of senior citizens. She turned the corner. An extra-cold blast of wind hit her in the face, whipping dark, shaggy curls into her line of vision. Helen slapped them away with an impatient hand, angry at them, angry at the wind, angry at herself for finishing her own coffee in Starbucks when she could’ve been drinking it now, now, when she desperately needed some warmth in her icy veins.
At long last, the tall shadow of the apartment fell into her path. Ahh. Home sweet home. Helen ran up the stairs and into the elevator, spurred by a sudden burst of energy. At the apartment door, she knocked over an antique umbrella stand that had once belonged to her ancestor and fumbled to fit the key into the lock. Now this was Helen, fumbling, stumbling, clumsy as hell, yet extraordinarily efficient. She was this close to her hot chocolate and nothing short of a pinstriped hippopotamus was going to stand in her way.
Well, nothing short of a really dumb pinstriped hippopotamus would stand in her way if they knew her well enough, as Stephanie would’ve put it.
The door burst open with a resounding crash - Helen’s personalized way of saying she was home - but this time, her dramatics failed to have the desired effect. Stephanie didn’t let out an ear-splitting shriek, jump out of her skin, or cower behind a pillow. No, this time she kept right on painting on the huge easel set up in the middle of the room…
… with Helen’s best, $19.90 nail polish.
Helen checked her outraged yell just in time.
No she didn’t.
Helen shrieked loudly, dropping the coffee cup to the hall table - narrowly missing spilling it - and clapped her hands to her cheek, her chapped lips forming a perfect ‘O’ in her distress.
“Stephanie…..!”
Stephanie turned around just as the door slammed shut behind Helen. “What?”
Her best friend looked blue with cold… or was it red with fury? Stephanie cocked her head to one side and wondered what to call this new color. Winter blue? Fire-truck red?
Helen was positively purple with rage. “That’s my best nail polish!” she wailed, albeit loudly.
Stephanie turned to look at the canvas, and then at the bottle in her hand. Oopsie daisie. She paused to study her artwork. “Why, so it is,” she remarked thoughtfully, staring at her masterpiece. She swiveled around and met Helen’s gaze levelly, then shrugged.
“I ran out of red.”
Helen marched over and snatched the little bottle out of Stephanie’s hand, taking deep, swooping breaths to calm herself, but without much success. Stephanie sighed patiently, more than familiar with Helen’s breathing exercises. Her green artist’s beret slipped over one eye. This surprised her. She didn’t even remember putting it on. Besides. What was Helen doing keeping a beret in the apartment anyway? The woman never failed to surprise her, even after ten years of fast friendship.
Helen stomped around the room like a demented Godzilla*, knocking into furniture as she marched heavily around the tiny apartment. The brush in the bottle of nail polish shook, teetered, threatened to fall out of the bottle and stain Stephanie’s mother’s plush rug. Helen was too preoccupied to notice, muttering curses and calling upon medieval forms of punishment that, to Stephanie’s ears, were excruciatingly painful.
Stephanie shifted nervously on the wooden stool. She hadn’t read as many medieval novels as Helen had, still the words “murder,” “stake” and “pickaxe” meant something to her.
Sure and sudden death.
Squirming on the stool, Stephanie eyed the cup of coffee on the table. If only she could reach it - she just might die with caffeine in her bloodstream. God knows she needed some fortifying. He watched Helen stamp around the room, cracking a Chinese vase and scratching the chrome decorations, preparing the inevitable lecture.
If only she could escape. Steph stared at the kitchen door like a hamster in a cage. She had just summoned up the courage to move when a shadow fell over her. She looked up. Helen was obviously enjoying the sensation of being taller than her for once. Obviously, for that could be the only reason behind the glint in her eyes.
The MURDEROUS glint in her eyes?
Steph made a desperate scrabble to escape, but it was too late. Helen had her good and cornered between her body and the easel. Steph’s eyes filled with terror, memories of her childhood and her short, brief life flashing before her eyes as Helen rasied the sharpest paintbrush from the rack high above her head…

.two or more.

I was on the phone with Vanessa earlier today, and we were talking about relationships and guys and stuff like that. She called me a player, but I tried to defend myself (didn't really work). We ended up doing a parody of RBD's Tu Amor. This is called Two or More. Enjoy.

Mi amor, I'm not sure of the right words to say,
Maybe these simple words will do best to best explain,
What I feel you should know,
What I do every day,
How to make you see,
How to let you know,
How to say, how to say how I played you so,
With words you understand,
Words that get right through to your head,
Here's the place to start.
Two or more,
I will always date,
Two or more,
I'm the girl guys hate,
I delete the their calls from my phone,
You're not the only one,
And I live for two or more.
Two or more, be assured, I'll date them all at once,
And they won't know I'm a player for several months,
I do feel in my heart,
I'm like the female John Tucker,
How to make you see,
How to let you know,
How to say, how to say, please forgive me,
With words you understand,
Words that get through to your soul,
Words that won't let you go.
Two or more,
I will always date,
Two or more,
I'm the girl guys hate,
I delete their calls from my phone,
You're not the only one,
And I live for two or more.

Also, I can't seem to get over writing parodies to Hey There Delilah. This one's currently untitled, but it's good. Trust me.

Hey there Gabriella,
What's it like in Texarkana,
You're 400 miles away,
So girl, I'm sitting here with Anna,
Yes I am,
She really thinks that I'm the one,
And I'm going out with Pam.
Hey there Gabriella,
I've been lonely since you left me,
Come back home,
I promise I'll break up with Tiffany,
Things will be great,
None of those girls can take your place,
Not even Grace.
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
I'm such a stud.
Hey there Gabriella,
It's way to hard to be faithful,
But believe me girl,
If you come back I'll be so grateful,
And I'll be goodJust like I know I should,
I really would.
Hey there Gabriella.
You're far away and all alone,
I miss you bad,
But all I've done is write this stupid song,
You deserve so much more,
I'm such a bore,
And a huge whore.
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
Oh I can't help myself,
I'm such a stud.
400 miles seems pretty far,
But I've got booze and chicks and bars,
So I'll stay busy until you come home,
Your friends all make fun of me,
Because they think you're too good for me,
Gabby I promise I'll change for you,
It's really true,
Don't say we're through,
If you leave me I'll be blue.
Hey there Gabriella,
I hear that you're not coming home,
I can't say I really blame you,
I guess I knew it all along,
So here's to you,
Hope you find someone's who's true,
I sure miss you, yes I do.

This is what happens when you leave me at a hairdressing salon after I've done my hair.

.lookie at what i found on youtube.

So, anyway. She ROCKS! And I'm obsessed and I love her and I'm allowed, so shut the fuck up, Leann. And Naz.

.surveys for the bored.

.random.
What is on your desktop wallpaper?
Amelie Simone Mauresmo's I Am What I Am ad for Reebok.

What is your favorite zoo animal?
Monkeys!

What was your favorite toy as a child?
I still play with toys. I'm a big kid. My gadgets.

What food do you eat too much of?
Chocolate. Love the stuff.

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
According to Vivien, it's emo. Lots of layers. Rebonded. Black.

What was your favorite activity in gym class?
I don't attend Gym, or PJ, or PE or whatever. It's a waste of time.

What is on the shirt you're wearing right now?
My first sponser challenge tee. Blue, ripped baby tee.

What is the picture nearest to you of?
Um, that'd be my wallpaper, I guess. Phone: Tegan and Sara. Laptop: Amelie Mauresmo.

What kind of salad dressing do you like?
Thousand Island sauce. Yummy.

What's your least favorite food?
How many kinds of veggies are there again?

What do you do on a Sunday night?
It depends.

If you could only use one condiment on your food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Parmesan cheese.

What color are your sheets?
I alternate between white, red and black.

How big is your computer display?
Bigger than Bianca's!

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?
Converse. I have a lot, so don't ask me to be specific.

What is your favorite game?
By myself: Sudoku. With others: Truth or Dare.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
We don't have anything but turkey. I've had it for all fourteen Thanksgivings. I'd much rather have pizza.

What is your favorite pizza topping?
Um, extra cheese, pepperoni.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?
Early. Early in the afternoon.

What is your favorite day of the year?
April Fool's.

.crush.
Do you have a crush on someone?
Yeaaaah.

Do you talk to your crush everyday?
I wish.

Do you talk about your crush to your friends?
They've gotten sick of me talking about her.

Does your crush like you?
She doesn't know I exist.

Do you think about your crush?
Only every minute.

How long have you liked your crush?
Since the Wimbledon tennis tournament this year.

Is your crush handsome/beautiful?
She's handsome. So says my mom.

Do you dream about your crush?
I don't remember. Wish I did.

Do you like hearing their voice?
Yes... French accent.

Do you like recieving text messages from your crush?
I would shit my pants if I did. Then I would promptly die of ecstasy.

Do you like their laugh?
Yeah...

When you see your crush, are you shy?
I get a big smile on my face, but no. Not shy.

One day will you be with your crush?
It's the only reason I haven't killed myself yet.

If you could tell them how you felt about your crush, would you?
Obviously.

Do you have pictures of your crush?
Over fifty.

Do you get jealous when he/she talks to the opposite sex?
No. She's a lesbian. But I DID scribble on a picture of her and her (ex? I'm not sure...) girlfriend.

Are you comfortable around your crush?
I'm at home watching her on my wide-screen TV. Wouldn't you be? But probably not if I met her. I'd get tongue-tied.

What do you think about your crush's clothing style?
Fabulous. Makes her ass look superb.

Will you wait for your crush to be yours?
As long as she wants me to. Hell, I'm waiting already.

.soundtrack to your life.
When you're lonely...
Boys Like Girls - Thunder
Coldplay - The Scientist
Keri Noble - Talk to Me
Robbie Williams - Angels
Taking Back Sunday - You're so Last Summer

When you're happy...
Boys Like Girls - Hero/Heroine
Courtney Jaye - Can't Behave
Infernal - From Paris to Berlin
Natalie Imbruglia - Glorious
Paramore - Hallelujah

When you're bouncy...
Adam and Andrew - I'm a Lesbian
Bowling for Soup - Almost
Eminem - Ass Like That
Garbage - Why do You Love Me
Tegan and Sara - I Know, I Know, I Know


When you're feeling country...
Brad Paisley - She's Everything
Carmen Rasmusen - Nothing Like the Summer
Carrie Underwood - Jesus, Take the Wheel
Faith Hill - Cry
Tim McGraw - When the Stars Go Blue

When you're depressed...
Bright Eyes - A Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction
Dashboard Confessional ft. Juli - Stolen
Garbage - I Would Die for You
P!nk - Dear Mr. President
The Cranberries - Ode to my Family

When you're hating...
Bad Cabbage - You're Rude (Get Fucked)
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready to Make Nice
Fiona Apple - Ugly Girl
Missy Higgins - Casualty
Weird Al - Pitiful (James Blunt - Beautiful parody)

When you're looking good...
Britney Spears - Gimme More
Joydrop - Beautiful
KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See
Lady Sovereign - Love Me or Hate Me
Peaches - Boys Wanna be Her


When you're going out...
Angels and Airwaves - Rite of Spring
Creed - What if
Joss Stone - Some Kind of Wonderful
Lesbians on Ecstasy - Tell Me
Mekon ft. Roxanne Shante - What's Going On


When you're hooking up...
Ashley Tisdale - He Said, She Said
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Creed - With Arms Wide Open
Hellogoodbye - Here (In Your Arms)
Kill Hannah - Crazy Angel

When you're getting married...
Boyzone - I Love the Way You Love Me
Cobra Starship - Three Times a Lady
Enrique Iglesias - Hero
KT Tunstall - The Other Side of the World
Tegan and Sara - Where Does the Good Go?

When you're in love...
Alicia Keys - No One
Gareth Gates - What my Heart Wants to Say
Hellogoodbye - Dear Jaime...Sincerely Me
Kinnie Starr - Alright
Liz Phair - Why Can't I

When you're mad...
Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Nine Inch Nails - Head Like a Hole
Nine Inch Nails - March of the Pigs
Nine Inch Nails - Starfuckers, Inc.
Nine Inch Nails - Survivalism

When someone passes away...
Eminem - When I'm Gone
Good Charlotte - Hold On
Jason Lo - Operator, the Line is Dead
K's Choice - Virgin State of Mind
Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You

When you're hurting...
Ani DiFranco - I Loved You, so What?
Hinder - Better than Me
Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough
Majandra Delfino - Hell + Bliss
Son by Four - Purest of Pain

When you're breaking up and don't care...
Damien Rice - Nine Crimes
Garbage - Bad Boyfriend
Santana ft. Rob Thomas - Smooth
Sunrise Avenue - Fairytale Gone Bad
The White Stripes - Icky Thump

When you get your heart broken...
Blink 182 - Here's Your Letter
Frankee - Fuck You Right Back
Deja Voodoo Spells - Evol
Fall Out Boy - Austin, We Have a Problem
JoJo - Beautiful Girl (reply)

When you get cheated on...
Lily Allen - Cheryl Tweedy
Paramore - Brighter
Superchick - Courage
Switchfoot - 24
The Academy Is... - Everything We Had

When you cheated...
American Hi-Fi - Flavour of the Week
Blake Lewis - Time of Season
Cute is what We Aim for - The Curse of Curves
Eamon - Fuck It
Hinder - Lips of an Angel

When you're by yourself...
Ashlee Simpson - That's Why I Love You
Britney Spears - Gimme More
Fleetwood Mac - Say You Will
Mandy Moore - I Wanna be with You
Maroon 5 - Won't Go Home without You

When you're cruising...
Carmen - Lean like a Chola
Natasha Bedingfield - I Wanna have Your Babies
NORE ft. Tego Calderon and Nina Sky - Oye Mi Canto
Paul Wall - Oh Girl
Rihanna - Umbrella

.underwear.
What's your favorite underwear you own?
Boxers all the way!

What's the worst pair of underwear you own?
I don't believe in uncomfortable underwear. Or unpretty underwear.

What's the most embarrassing underwear you own?
Why would I post that?

What's your favorite color of underwear?
Red and black checkers.

What color underwear will you not wear?
Pink.

What's your favorite underwear on a member of the opposite sex?
Boxers.

What underwear do you hate seeing on a member of the opposite sex?
G-strings. Ew.

Have you ever lost your underwear while out somewhere?
Um, I don't think so.

Have you ever found someone's underwear while out somewhere?
Nope. Thank God.

How often do you buy new underwear?
Very often.

Do you buy underwear for anyone but yourself?
Sometimes.

Where do you like to buy your underwear?
Cottonshop. Top Shop.

Do you have a favorite brand of underwear?
Nope.

Is there anywhere you refuse to buy underwear?
Yeah. Loads of places.

Do you own any novelty underwear?
No, I do not! GOD!

Have you ever bought novelty underwear for anyone?
Yeah, last year at Chirstmas, as a joke. And the year before that.

Have you ever worn someone else's underwear?
No. Unhygienic.

Has anyone else ever worn your underwear?
Yeah. My boxers are constantly getting stolen.

What type of underwear do you wear most?
Boxers.

Is there any kind of underwear you refuse to wear?
Uncomfortable ones.

I tag Vivien, cause she loves underwear as much as I do.

.have you ever.
Given a Hickey?
Um, yeah. A hickey is a hickey.

Had a one night stand?
Define a one night stand.

Made someone cry?
More times than I can count.

Opened your Christmas presents early?
The puppy face always works for this. Use FreshKon Baby Aqua contact lenses for best results.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?
Nope.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?
Yeah.

Been caught cheating?
Yeah.

Been caught naked?
Nope.

Flashed someone?
Nope. I was these when one of my besties did it, though.

Gone out without underwear on?
No. I love underwear.

Got into a fist fight?
More times than I've made people cry.

Swallowed bath water?
Who hasn't?

Peed in the pool?
Ew.

Thrown up in public?
Yup. Thanks, Carmen, for helping out.

Been so drunk you can't walk?
Yeah. Same time I threw up in public.

Peed in public?
No way.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?
Happens all the time.

Done something mean you regretted?
Hasn't everyone. If I made a list, I'd be here all night.

Ever played pull my finger?
It's fun.

.valentine's.
Do you look forward to Valentine's day?
It depends, really.

Who was your last Valentine from?
Clea. I love her, too.

Who do you expect to get a Valentine from next year?
Whoever I'm with.

Who would you most like to receive a Valentine from?
Amelie Simone Mauresmo.

How many Valentines will you be sending next year?
It depends on how many crushed I have next year.

Have you ever not received a Valentine?
Yeah, in primary school, when onbody gave them out.

What was the most Valentines you received in a single year?
Four.

Have you ever received an anonymous Valentine?
Yeah. It's annoying.

Have you ever sent an anonymous Valentine?
Nope.

Will you be sending an anonymous Valentine next year?
Nope.

What was the best Valentine gift you ever received?
Dinner cooked by my boy.

What was your worst Valentine gift you ever received?
Seeing someone with someone else, practically fucking.

Do you still get Valentines from your parents?
Yeah. It's like Christmasn, only with no Jesus.

Do you give Valentines to anyone in your family?
Yeah. Nickolai and Leann.

Have you ever started dating someone on Valentines day?
Yeah.

Have you ever been dumped on Valentines day?
Nope.

Have you ever dumped anyone on Valentines day?
Nope.

What was the best Valentine date you have ever had?
When my boy cooked me dinner.

What was the worst Valentine date you have ever had?
None.

What is the perfect Valentine evening date for you?
If it's with Amelie, it'll be perfect.

.my girlfriend, weih.

SHE'S A LADY, HELEN!

.the salami-woman made my day.

So, I went to my grandmother's house today. Just as I was crashing on the couch, my phone starts to ring Infernal's From Paris to Berlin. And it's Darah Sadah Salameh a.k.a. MY SALAMI-WOMAN (Don't ask; and FYI, her middle name means good fortune). She made my day just by crapping about my middle name for, like, the millionth time. I LOVE that girl. Not in THAT way.

DARAH: So, I'm going to guess some things about you. I think your full name is Stephanie Q. Fernandez the Third, and that you are descended from... Moldavian royalty.
ME: ... Well, we all know Fernandez is an old Moldavian name...
DARAH: See, I knew that. And I think the Q stands for... Quotilde.
ME: *laughs* Damn, woman, you're good.
DARAH: So I've been told. Anyway, let me see... I bet when you were a girl you had eighteen brothers and one sister, and that's how you wound up so butch.
ME: I'm not butch.
DARAH: You aren't exactly femme, y'know?
ME: Fuck you.
DARAH: Any time. *laughs* So... I'm guessing that you were a real diva around the palace, in, you know, Moldavia, like, rejecting all the food made for you, and insisting on only having the best royal garments.
ME: Yup. Got me pegged.
DARAH: And I'm also guessing that you were really fat. Right. So you were a really fat, really butch diva, and finally the Moldavian King-
ME: Edgar.
DARAH: King Edgar the fourteenth, of Moldavia. Right. So King Edgar said "Bitch, you're making me crazy, all up in here demanding hot chocolate with marshmallows, insisting on having a double shot first thing in the morning and all these fancy embroidered gowns."
ME: Actually, it was unicorns I insisted on. And a trip to Narnia.
DARAH: Right. Unicorns and Narnia.
ME: Yeah. So, Ed was a tired old queen, so after the chemistry set incident he banished me to the stables.
DARAH: Where you promply went through all the livery wenches.
ME: *raises eyebrow* I thought a wench was a waitress...
DARAH: Whatever. I'm just guessing you got a lot of pussy in the stable.
ME: Well, yeah. Duh.
DARAH: Right. So I'm guessing after you fucked your last... stable...chick, you said, "Screw this, I'm going to K.L."
ME: Right...
DARAH: Right. Lots of pussy in K.L. So out you came, riding out of Moldavia on your trusty pink unicorn-
ME: Sparky.
DARAH: Sparky?
ME: Yup. Sparky. That is correct.

By the time we were done, I was laughing my ass off so loudly that my grandma woke up. Oops. Bianca just rolled her eyes and went back to playing pinball on my laptop. Oh, yeah. The font is blue. Same colour as Darah's eyes. Be very jealous, people.

Stop Homophobia. Seriously.

This sickens me. I can't believe people are so judgemental of GLBTQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning) people. Don't do that. Really.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am the girl who got kicked out because I confided in my mother that I was a lesbian.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. (Steph's note: This actually happened.)
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.
I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I wont risk losing my family and friends.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I am a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to teach me a lesson.

Repost this if you think homophobia is gay. Which it is. You know, the church one really gets me. God loves everyone, so why shouldn't his fan club? You don't have to be gay to support gay rights.

Brighter ;

Helloo :)

Obviously , my beloved senior doesn't use smileys so I'm here to make sure this blog isn't so .... emo .
Ngeh , she's been skipping school as we ALL know . Pmrs are over , she needs a hard-earned break from books and some snotty teachers with sagging tits , no ? Oh poop , there's next year with Puan Tan who's an ass . Oh God , my surname's Tan .
ANYWAYS ,

You guys want updates ? Okay , updates :)
Last Friday was the Annual Prefect Lunch and gosh . Ninny was the emcee alongside with RamenRameshRemonSOMETHING .
They were awesome ! A bit blur though . Mhmmh , the white shirt Ninny wore made her look REAL slim ;)
My guesses are she went back home and slept in the clothes she came with . She must've been deadbeat .
- Helen called her and woke her up with some bad news :S ( continue . )

So this is how it goes,
Well I, I would have never known,
And if it ends today,
Well I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone .

Her kind of Saturday would involve , eggs , sausages and books ; I supposed ( Maybe some homosexual-tellie , we'll never know ) . She claims to have had went furniture shopping . For what , you ask ? Well , I have no idea at all , love . She got a T-Shirt with a funny slogan and here's what's on it :-

$t3Ph@n!E[Stephanie the wonder-bi!] says (6:14 PM):
My ambition in life is to satisfy my woman, buy her jewelry, a house, a sports car and roses. My money belongs to her and her money belongs to her.
Vivien ; says (6:15 PM):
LOL .
sounds like what my husband would wear .
or HAVE to wear .
(:
$t3Ph@n!E[Stephanie the wonder-bi!] says (6:15 PM):
hahahaha

She said she's bisexual . She broke the news to me one random moment when I was on duty in the canteen . My expression was timeless , or so she says . I was in awe lah , of course . I've always had this phobia of gay people . She told me she's BI not GAY . What's the difference , you tell me . It's so totally against Christianity and I mean , I like SOME people of those kind but ... if you think about it for a long time ; you might start peeing in your new Topshop undies . Swear to God , I didn't pee lah . They were pink with cute turquoise stars on it for Christ's sake !

Now I think we're taking this too far .

Don't you know that it's not this hard?

Well it's not this hard ,

But if you take what's yours and I take mine

Must we go there?

Please not this time.

No, not this time.

You know I love you but seriously , Helen and I are right .

STOP LIVING IN DENIAL . YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO THE SAME SEX .

OKAY ? OKAY .

Well this is not your fault ,

But if I'm without you .

Then I will feel so small ,

And if you have to go ,

Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

In most of her posts , she'll save one special part to why she's using the song for her post . So , I shall :)

Brighter struck me one day when I downloaded it off Limewire . I stopped painting my toenails and listened , like , actually LISTENED . And I loved the way Hayley sang it . Her twang made me think of someone you like or adore .

You shine brighter than anyone .

At first , my thoughts went to Jimmy Choo for creating fabfabfab shoes that I ogle over but then , I thought I was so shallow for thinking of shoes . So , I tried again . Don't know why , my thoughts were like a Flicker! showcase . It went from family , loved ones and friends . I didn't have someONE I think shines brighter , I think those personalities that stepped into my life , influenced me . People who actually mattered .

Now I think we're taking this too far .

Don't you know that it's not this hard?

Well it's not this hard ,

But if you take what's yours and I take mine

Must we go there?

Please not this time.

No, not this time.

Those were the ones I truly cared about . The reason of my existence , why I live . I live for God , of course .

And I see a little of God in each of them . They have their own special traits . Words can't described how much I love the people who made a mark in my heart :)

If you run away now,

Will you come back around?

And if you ran away,I'd still wave goodbye

Watching you shine bright.

Sundaaay , I don't know what Ninny did and she's offline now . Msn's such a insertprofanityofyourdesirehere .

I went shopping , as usual . Some may think I'm a complete air-head because I think of material posessions so much , that I own a whole closet of shoes . But really , have you had a real convo with me ?

Really , this is Ninny's blog . So I shall blog ala Stephanie :)

Ninny's a real hysteric . I met her randomly one day when she shouted at me .

" OMFG , YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO PULLED THE GUY INTO THE CLASS WITH THE THE BUN ! "

............

Yeah , I wear a bun to school :)

A rendition of what Ninny would say right now ;

Vivien Tan . She's the girl who has the balls ( HA HA ) to pull a boy back into her class shouting like a total lunatic . Ah , I remember that day like it happened yesterday . She made me laugh so hard , my knees were wobbling and I was literally crying out of hilarity . Bunwoman , I call her because she has this awesome bun behind her head . It looks rather good on her , other than policewomen . A total smartass , she's one of my groupies who's gonna buy my ultimate album . Her lips are total BLOWJOB potential but she's currently , blowjobless . Any takers ?

Bunwoman , bunwoman .

Now I think we're taking this too far

Don't you know that it's not this hard?

Well it's not this hard

But if you take what's yours and I take mine

Must we go there?

Please not this time .

No, not this time.

Mondayyy , she skipped while I went . Rotted in school . God bless her soul .

She went for Helen's Grandma's funeral .

There's always someone passing away , every 4 seconds . And a newborn , every 3 seconds .

I'm sure your Grandma'll enjoy heaven as there are really hot male strippers in Heaven ;)

I'm sorry if that offended you in any way , at all .

I just wanted to let you know , if you need tissues , I've got a crate of chocolates right here , waiting .

My deepest condolences .

Tuesday , ah , she went . I skipped . God knows what she did in school with Amy .

OMG , don't tell me ...

nah . They wouldn't ;)

I'll wave goodbye (You shine bright)

Watching you shine bright (You shine bright)

I'll wave goodbye tonight (You shine bright)

Alright , I'm out .

Muchlove , Vivien .

.is she or isn't she.

So. Ms. Lewis wants to be a screenwriter. Her first one's a laugh. Check it.



SCENE:

EXT. STREET

KIRSTEN, beautiful but timid, walks down the street.

KIRSTEN (VOICE OVER): There was something in the air there. It was flowing into her- slowly, these mysterious new feelings began pumping through her veins, and she got closer to transformation with every breath...

INT. STARBUCKS

The café in Mid Valley is busy and abuzz. ADERYN - quirky and cute, SIERRA - awkward but adorable, and SKYE - the low-key lothario, sit around a table sipping coffee.

SIERRA: I guess I just can't read women's vibes. Or, maybe they can't read my vibes?

ADERYN: Are you kidding? You're gay as a cheerleader. Literally.

SKYE: Everyone has gaydar. You just have to tune in.

SIERRA (pointing to the doorway): What about her?

KIRSTEN stands in the doorway of Starbucks. Lit perfectly, wind blowing through herhair, frozen in the pivotal moment.

KIRSTEN (VOICE OVER): She crossed the threshold of Starbucks, opening a door to a place within herself she never thought she'd explore.

ADERYN and SKYE look at each other and smile.

SIERRA: I have a feeling I'm not prepared for this...

Fast-paced spy movie music begins to play. ADERYN and SKYE get in Charlie's Angels formation. They stand back-to-back, holding their Gaydars (which resemble radar guns used by the police) like guns. SIERRA, awkwardly standing next to them, shapes her hand like a gun, but then rolls her eyes, feeling ridiculous.

SKYE: Target found.

KIRSTEN is locked in the bull's-eye-shaped viewfinder resembling that of night goggles. SKYE and ADERYN point their Gaydars at her, soft static signaling that the devices are picking up a signal.

ADERYN: I'm getting a reading of a 5...

SKYE: A 5?

SIERRA: ...One percent of the number of women you've slept with...

SKYE glares at SIERRA.

The static noise stops, and ADERYN smacks her Gaydar in frustration.

ADERYN: Our Gaydars aren't working!

SKYE: Looks like we'll have to see if she fits the profile one stereotype at a time...

SKYE does a number of somersaults and spy-like maneuvers and parks herself in acovert location, zeroing in on KIRSTEN. ADERYN, standing next to SIERRA, speaks into a mobile phone.

ADERYN: Nails!?

The bull's-eye freezes on KIRSTEN'S hand.

SKYE (whispering into her mobile phone) Short, but polished...

ADERYN writes on a clipboard.

ADERYN: Could go either way... Hair!?

The bull's-eye freezes on KIRSTEN'S flowing blonde mane.

SKYE (whispering into her mobile phone) Long, but un-styled...

ADERYN: Toss up!... Walk?!

The bull's-eye freezes on KIRSTEN'S still body.

SKYE (whispering into her mobile phone): She's standing still!

SIERRA (leaning in to add her two cents): ...Whether or not she likes sports?...

ADERYN: SIERRA! How could we possibly tell that just by looking at her?

SIERRA: I'm so bad at this!

SKYE (whispering into her mobile phone): Abort phase one!

SIERRA holds up a giant poster of Angelina Jolie.

KIRSTEN doesn't notice it.

SIERRA: She didn't even flinch...

ADERYN looks at SIERRA like she is ridiculous and grabs the poster, locking eyes with Angelina, who is hard to resist, even in 2D form.

ADERYN: Hey there, good lookin'...

KIRSTEN walks over to the Starbucks counter. ADERYN perks up as an idea pops into her head.

ADERYN (to SIERRA): Let's search the forum!

ADERYN opens up her laptop. On the screen, an extremely elaborate, complex web worthy of Spiderman connects a large number of names.

SIERRA: Shouldn't you add the men you've been with, ADE?

ADERYN: Can it, SIERRA!

Their eyes furiously search the incredibly complex web, lost.

ADERYN: OK! Here we go...

ADERYN'S excitement fades.

ADERYN: Dammit! We don't know her name...

SIERRA rolls her eyes.

ADERYN: I didn't think we'd have to, but we're bringing out the big guns...

SIERRA: What? Oh no...

SKYE begins to strut across the restaurant, fixed on KIRSTEN like a lion eying his next meal.

ADERYN: She'd have to be straight as an arrow to resist SKYE. Better women have stripped as soon as she glanced their way...

SIERRA and ADERYN watch SKYE in awe. She swaggers in slow motion, turning customer's heads. Suddenly, her head turns to the side, concentration lost.


SKYE: Hold up.


A SEXY GIRL walks by, smiling at SKYE. SEXY GIRL curves her hand in the shape of a phoneand raises it to her face and mouths, "Call me." SKYE smiles at her and nods. SIERRA rolls her eyes and brings her cellphone up to her lips.


SIERRA: Guys, looks like we're going to need back up.


INT. STREET


A sleek car speeds up to the café and stops. It's doors shoot open. Out walk MARION, wearing a sophisticated I-mean-business suit, and SANDI who is both moody and motherly.


INT. STARBUCKS


MARION: Sorry we're late. I had to fire six people and finish a conference call with my manager. At the same time.


SANDI: And I was out looking for sperm...


Everyone stops and stares at SANDI.


SANDI: ...You know, because we're trying to find a donor to make a baby with... Not because I'm still attracted to men or anything...


MARION: So what's the 411?


ADERYN: We're trying to determine the preference of the brunette by the counter.


ADERYN points to KIRSTEN, whose back is turned so the ladies cannot see her face. She turns around slowly, and sees them staring at her.


KIRSTEN (VOICE OVER): She could feel their eyes burning through her skin. She felt bare-boned and helpless, her insides translucent, allowing them to see...


SANDI: Oh, that's KIRSTEN, our neighbor. She lives with Tom.


SKYE: That means everything and nothing.

SIERRA: Yeah, some bisexuals do have relationships with men, ADERYN.


ADERYN: SIERRA! Seriously!

MARION: So you're saying she might be parading as something she's not, ready to break the heart of her longterm lover at the whim of her oscillating sexuality?

SANDI: Not that there'd be anything wrong with that...

SIERRA looks out the window and her jaw drops.

INT. STARBUCKS

A large group of model-like women wearing nothing but lingerie stand outside holding agiant banner that reads, "WE LOVE YOU, SKYE!"

INT. STARBUCKS

SKYE notices and shrugs.

SKYE: Whatever.

ADERYN: I pride myself on knowing the sexual history of every woman who walks through that door, but she's new here. That explains why she wouldn't be on the chart...

MARION: Why is it so important for you to believe that the lesbian community is so interconnected it can be tracked, and that every uncategorized woman is waiting to be saved from the clutches of heterosexual hierarchy?

ADERYN: ...Because it's fun?

KRISTEN watches the women laughing.

KRISTEN (VOICE OVER): Was her imagination blurring reality, or had they been discussing her sexuality? Or was it her who beginning to question?

KRISTEN takes a step towards them as the scene fades to black.