Sven: Hey, you know the TV show where they teach women to love their bodies?
Me: I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, “STOP BEING FAT” and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they’ll thank me.
*
My mom: So, Sven, where are you from?
Sven: My parents are Russian, but we lived in Philadelphia for fifteen years.
Me: Killadelphia.
Naz: Hey, you know what's the capital of Killadelphia? Shitsburgh.
*
Nick: This gathering is gayer than Elton John fisting Lance Bass while YMCA plays.
*
Nick: Bikini waxes hurt a lot, or so I've heard.
Naz: I have a VAG OF STEEL!
*
Me: I hate alarm clocks. I can't ever get up.
Sven: Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, ‘YAY, SEX!’ and then, ‘YAY, COFFEE!’. I love mornings!
*
Nick: Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I’d just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!
*
Sven: *checks his iTouch*
Nick: You and your robotic boyfriend... I'm so glad that doesn't have a penis.
Sven: Maybe there's an app for that.
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