.Epic Essay.

Okay. So as you all probably already know, Stephanie leaving for Australia today - in approximately 5 hours and 7minutes - and she's left Vivien and I - the usual people - the great task of updating her blog which we will probably do more often than she herself does, but never mind that.

Anyway. An essay she wrote, to start off the posts while she's away. So in English class or whatever she was given these topics to write about, and, typically, she decided she'd write the most explicit essay possible, in TEN paragraphs, one for each of ALL ten topics, which were:

1. I could not believe my eyes!...
2. Suddenly the lights went out..
3. Holiday I did not enjoy
4. Narrow escape
5. Quarrel between friends
6. A boy who lied and suffered
7. A time I got into trouble
8. Mother's sacrifice
9. Most embarassing moment
10. ...It was the happiest day of my life.

...enjoy!

Steph’s Essay:

I could not believe my eyes! It was Amelie Mauresmo, standing in front of me, in a potato sack. My jaw dropped open. Holy fuck on a stick, screw the Pope. I never expected my wildest dreams to come true, especially not like this. It was just NOT fair for me to be paralyzed with the half-naked woman of my dreams standing in front of me.

Suddenly the lights went out. I gritted my teeth (suddenly unparalyzed – a miracle) and yelled out a stream of swearwords, cursing God, the Pope, and Sarah. Amelie was enveloped in darkness, and I could not see her. What the fuck was wrong with God? I hope Sarah never gets to orgasm, I muttered to myself.

Screw this assholic hospital, I thought. If it weren’t for that holiday gone wrong, I wouldn’t even be here in the first place. During the holiday I did not enjoy, not only was I forced to watch my parents’ sexual orgy (complete with lubricant), but I fell off my skateboard while trying to escape from having sex with a fat, moustached woman.

It was a narrow escape for me, as I didn’t have to have sex with the woman who called herself Godma, since I had broken my backbone when I fell off my skateboard. Fuck that bloody fats for not cushioning my fall. It was the least she could do for trying to rape me. I ended up in the hospital after that. Shit, a narrow escape, indeed.

At the hospital, the first person to come and visit me was Amali. He had a bright red lovebite on his neck, and he told me that Arif decided to go out with him. “There’s no way he’ll date a faggot!” I said, laughing. Amali got offended and we had a huge quarrel over Arif and who he would rather date. Stupid faggot who fucks in the ass.

As it turned out, Arif was the next person to show up at the hospital. The moment he saw Amali, Arif looked like he wanted to throw his disgusting old Converse at the faggot. I stared at them both before saying, “Ayip, y’know, Amali said you were together.” With a growl, Arif grabbed the fag and threw him out of the window, happily. Bye, liar.

Just then, Godma stormed into the room and grabbed Amelie Mauresmo by the hair (standing on her toes.) “Holy mother of shit!” I yelled. “ I hope Sarah gets diarrhea! Let her go, you fat… uh, shemale!” Godma raised her mighty hand, dropped Amelie, and started towards my bed. “You wouldn’t hit a cripple, would you?” I begged, sweat beading under my arms. Godma smiled. “You are in SO much trouble…”

Godma strode towards me, mighty hand raised. I started saying my prayers, apologizing for cursing God and the Pope. I don’t care about Sarah. That very second, my mother burst into the room. I noticed the horns sprouting out of her head. Shit, it wasn’t my mom. It was Pn. Tan, the demon herself. She ran to Godma, distracting her as they made out. “You two deserve each other!” Amelie yelled.
“Shut up!” I told Amelie. “Do you want them to hear you?” Amelie shook her head and extended her muscular arms to me with a smile. “Come on, cripple.” I hopped into her arms, then noticed the look of horror on her face. “What is THAT?” she asked. I glanced downward and blushed. “Uhm. Rainbow underwear. Support gay youth and all,” I said, pulling my board shorts higher. I was so embarrassed!

Amelie rolled her eyes. “You’re so lame,” she said, helping me to the elevator to make our escape. “So I’ve been told,” I replied, hobbling over to Amelie’s silver Porsche Cayenne, my arm around her waist (score!). “But you know what?” Amelie asked. “I love you anyway. Ever since you threw that frozen chicken at me…” We kissed. It was the happiest day of my life… Wait. What frozen chicken?


;)

Miss ya already, Steph!

Helen