.the salami-woman made my day.

So, I went to my grandmother's house today. Just as I was crashing on the couch, my phone starts to ring Infernal's From Paris to Berlin. And it's Darah Sadah Salameh a.k.a. MY SALAMI-WOMAN (Don't ask; and FYI, her middle name means good fortune). She made my day just by crapping about my middle name for, like, the millionth time. I LOVE that girl. Not in THAT way.

DARAH: So, I'm going to guess some things about you. I think your full name is Stephanie Q. Fernandez the Third, and that you are descended from... Moldavian royalty.
ME: ... Well, we all know Fernandez is an old Moldavian name...
DARAH: See, I knew that. And I think the Q stands for... Quotilde.
ME: *laughs* Damn, woman, you're good.
DARAH: So I've been told. Anyway, let me see... I bet when you were a girl you had eighteen brothers and one sister, and that's how you wound up so butch.
ME: I'm not butch.
DARAH: You aren't exactly femme, y'know?
ME: Fuck you.
DARAH: Any time. *laughs* So... I'm guessing that you were a real diva around the palace, in, you know, Moldavia, like, rejecting all the food made for you, and insisting on only having the best royal garments.
ME: Yup. Got me pegged.
DARAH: And I'm also guessing that you were really fat. Right. So you were a really fat, really butch diva, and finally the Moldavian King-
ME: Edgar.
DARAH: King Edgar the fourteenth, of Moldavia. Right. So King Edgar said "Bitch, you're making me crazy, all up in here demanding hot chocolate with marshmallows, insisting on having a double shot first thing in the morning and all these fancy embroidered gowns."
ME: Actually, it was unicorns I insisted on. And a trip to Narnia.
DARAH: Right. Unicorns and Narnia.
ME: Yeah. So, Ed was a tired old queen, so after the chemistry set incident he banished me to the stables.
DARAH: Where you promply went through all the livery wenches.
ME: *raises eyebrow* I thought a wench was a waitress...
DARAH: Whatever. I'm just guessing you got a lot of pussy in the stable.
ME: Well, yeah. Duh.
DARAH: Right. So I'm guessing after you fucked your last... stable...chick, you said, "Screw this, I'm going to K.L."
ME: Right...
DARAH: Right. Lots of pussy in K.L. So out you came, riding out of Moldavia on your trusty pink unicorn-
ME: Sparky.
DARAH: Sparky?
ME: Yup. Sparky. That is correct.

By the time we were done, I was laughing my ass off so loudly that my grandma woke up. Oops. Bianca just rolled her eyes and went back to playing pinball on my laptop. Oh, yeah. The font is blue. Same colour as Darah's eyes. Be very jealous, people.